I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
