Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
