'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
