The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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