Cold hands, warm shart.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
