That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
