The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
