Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
