Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
