Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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