Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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