Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The Olympian is in my bed
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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