The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
