when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
