Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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