apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Houston, we have a squirter
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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