Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
