True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The air was thick with penises
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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