The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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