Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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