A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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