Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
