So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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