I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
