is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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