Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Is it penis luge time yet?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I would ride that face into the sunset
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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