You smell like a Billy Joel song
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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