Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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