I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
this hospital has no fireball
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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