My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
