his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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