so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
