my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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