Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
