I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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