eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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