Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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