Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
