someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
