I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
