Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
