Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
