Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
