mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
