Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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