I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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