i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
