guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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