he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
