Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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