Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm passing your future prison.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
