I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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