I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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